Plumb Idiotic

Not four minutes ago it came to me. I need to write a book. And this book needs to have at least two words in the title: IDIOT and PLUMBING. Let's see...Plumbing for Idiots. No, that's probably taken already, and that really does not capture the heart of this book. How about...yes, that would be it:

Plumbing BY Idiots

That will be the title of my new book.

Chapter 1, How to Take A Shower While Standing At Your Sink.

So I just finished watching Flag of our Fathers and was pondering the lives of the men in the movie (WW II movies always make me reflect). While I was somberly pondering, I was brushing my teeth preparing to go to bed. As I was finishing up, I could take it no longer. My bathroom sink has had this drip. I "fixed" it before and it almost stopped dripping, but when the drip came back, it got worse. I've been ignoring it because I know something inside the knob thingy needs to be replaced, but I don't know what.

Chapter 2, Definitions (include diagram with "knob thingy" definition)

I grabbed my screwdriver and pried the cap off of the faucet so I could see the screw thingy (this holds the knob thingy in place). I tightened the screw, and surprisingly I was correct. Tightening this screw did little, if anything, to decrease the drip flow.

Next I unscrewed this screw and saw the part that probably needs to be replaced (reasoning: the more stuff you tear apart, the more parts you will see; the more parts you see, the more likely you have seen the part that needs to be replaced). I got my pliers and undid this big "ring thingy" (this encircles the knob thingy). The drip drew a little faster. Hmm...I wonder what would happen if I twist this gold thingy?

WRONG QUESTION!!!

Water was now shooting up over my head. My left hand quickly moved over the top of the fountain and began directing water off the side of the counter top and onto the floor while my right hand began feeling for the water shutoff under the sink. 50/50 chance of finding the right shut off knob this way.

So much for luck.

Now that the hot water was turned off, it could no longer gush water head high. Of course, the water that was gushing was cold, which would explain why turning off the hot water didn't affect the flow much. Once I found the correct shut off, I was able to get the water turned off most of the way. The flow coming out of the open hole was roughly 7 times greater than the drip I had earlier (Math BY Idiots?), but once I got the gold thingy back in there, put the ring thingy back on and had the whole knob thingy back together I felt confident enough to turn the water back on.

Good news. The drip is not as bad as it was when I started!

It was midnight by the time all of this was finished, but I knew I had better stop and write all this down while it was still fresh in my mind. They say all great how-to authors do this.

I'm already getting ideas for my next book: Automotive Repair BY Idiots. I am an expert there as well.