Awesome/Hilarious Office Cubicle Video

It's "One of Those Days"

I'm Sorry

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd c ome from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... But I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

Why Not Fix That, Too, While I'm Here

This afternoon, I planned to replace some caulk around the inside of the shower in the master bathroom and scrub the floor. Planned on talking about an hour to do it (first mistake).

The caulking was going OK until I discovered one of the walls in the shower (we have that plastic stuff that is glued to the exterior wall to create the shower walls) was not glued together. Why not fix that, too, while I'm here? Glue that I had did not work.

I then noticed that the tub faucet had a lot of calcium buildup on it and really could not be cleaned up enough to look nice. Why not fix that, too, while I'm here. This was the BIG mistake.

Off to Home Depot I went. Got some epoxy and super glue figuring one of them would fix the shower wall. Then discovered that it was not as simple as just buying a few "replacement parts" for the tub...had to buy a "kit". Picked up the cheapest kit and headed home.

Came home and tackled the shower wall first. Since the epoxy was the fastest drying glue, I tried it first. It seems that Brooke and Amanda could not properly appreciate my efforts...something about the smell. Whoever thought that epoxy dried quickly must never have used as much as I squirted between the walls because I got tired of standing there pressing one wall into the other waiting for the epoxy to harden. Break out the super glue. Worked like a charm.

Next to tackle the faucet stuff. Short version, nearly EVERYTHING in the kit was all wrong. I could have fixed the problem with the enclosed plumbing part, but since that would require taking the shower wall down, cutting a hole in the sheet rock underneath and changing out actual pluming, I decided against that. By this time, everything is a mess.

Quite disheartened, I took the old tub faucet to Foster Hardware to see if I could find just this part to replace. The rest did not look good, but the faucet was the worst looking. Come to find out, I should have started at Foster Hardware. I was able to replace all of the tub hardware much cheaper piece-by-piece than the kit I previously purchased.

After dinner, I replaced the tub hardware, finished caulking and finally got around to scrubbing the floor. Finished at 7:30pm. Total time = 5 hours!

The new hardware installed.

Never Get It Right The First Time

A couple Fridays ago, I got a text from Pastor Philip. "Sorry to bother you on your day off, but I can't seem to get the safe closed." Remembering how sometimes the combination has to be re-entered to close the door, and thinking perhaps Pastor Philip was not familiar with this "trick", I walked next door to give proper instruction.

Upon further inspection of the safe, there was definitely something wrong. The door would close, but it would not lock. Good thing I came along. I was able to get the safe to close, and I was feeling pretty proud of myself until I found out the safe would no longer open. The handle that would not close the lock properly would now no longer open the lock properly. The picture you see here is what he safe looked like after the lock smith had to drill into it to open it.

Needless to say, we had to get a new safe. Although not previously written down, purchasing and installing the new safe was part of my job description. It took a while to find one that fit our needs within our budget, but I did. I purchased a fire-proof "microwave safe", so named because it is the size of a microwave oven. (It was the size of a microwave but weighed more than half as much as I do!).

I got the safe to church, cleaned out the closet it was in, threw out the old safe with Pastor Philip's help and began the work of bolting the safe to the floor. Here's how it went:

• Go to hardware store and purchase bolt, anchor and masonry bit.
• Drill hole in concrete. Discover that the bolt anchor I purchased was WAY longer than needed. Drill half way to China.
• Discover that, somehow, my measurements were wrong. Bolt will not go into anchor because safe cannot move to the left any further due to the wall that is there.
• Return to hardware store. Buy new (shorter) anchor.
• Re-measure carefully and drill second hole. Notice that masonry bit is not cutting it as well as it did the first time.
• Get assistance from Pastor Philip drilling second hole and aligning safe for bolt to fit into the anchor when we are done.
• Discover that the safe door will not open all the way because it is now hitting the right side wall. Another measuring error.
• Begin drilling third hole (fortunately, grabbed an extra anchor during second trip to hardware store). Concur with Pastor Philip that the masonry bit is simply going round and round but not down, down!
• Third trip to hardware store. This time, asked what the difference is between the two different masonry drill bits. Discover that previously purchased bit was fine for brick and mortar but not recommended for foundation drilling.
• Return to church, rotate with Pastor Philip drilling third hole with proper bit. Finish drilling third hole just as drill burns up!
• Align safe, tighten bolt, put valuables in safe.
• Job done. Total time...approx 6 hours!
  

The Ant and the Grasshopper - Two Versions

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different.....
Two Different Versions! ................. Two Different Morals!


OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself




MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant 's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ants food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.

A New Twist on "Who's On First"

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

Geocaching Adventure

To catch you up to speed, here's the basic idea of geocaching. You hide some sort of container with a little log book in it and you mark the coordinates with your GPS. Next, go to www. geocaching.com and make an entry describing your cache container, how hard it is to find based on a predefined scale and enter the coordinates from your GPS. Now other people can go to the web site, download the coordinates and look for your cache. Once they find it, they sign the little log book and then log back onto the web page and log their find. When they log their find, it is courteous to put a little note about the hunt...to share a story.

Some goecaches are "muliti's". This means there may be 4 stages. The coordinates on the web site take you to stage 1. You find stage 1, but instead of a log book inside you will find the coordinates to stage 2. Stage 2 had coordinates for stage 3. Stage 3 has coordinates for stage 4. Stage 4 is the actual geocache where you sign the log.

All that to share this story with you. There is a particularly well-known, popular and difficult multi-cache about 10 miles outside of Huntsville, TX called Four Cache Loop. I wanted to the most recent online log from this geocache. Like I said, this is a long, difficult cache so most stories are not this exciting, but this gives you a glimpse into some of the "adventure" of geocaching. What follows is the story of this couples' find of this multi-stage geocache today.

Yea!!!! We found it in 7 Hours. Not bad for a pair of old farts stumbling around in the woods. We ended up bushwhacking most of it since I wasn’t sure what trail was what. After we finished the last cache I took us in the wrong direction to the car. I was basking in the glory of doing this multi-cache that I didn’t even notice that my GPS kept telling me we were .75 mile from the car. That means we were going in a circle around the car. My wife’s feet were hurting so I told her to hang out by this Frisbee golf course we were by. I told her I would walk the ¾ of mile or so up the street to get the car. When I was about ½ mile down the road my iPhone died so GPS and I had forgotten to grab my wife’s GPS when I left. But I kept thinking “it’s just up over the next hill”. Wrong. About 3 or so miles later I think I must be doing something wrong so I turned around and walked back. Turns out IT WAS JUST “just over the next hill” when I turn around. When I get back to where I left my wife I couldn’t find her!!! I freak for awhile and then I start hoping she some how got back to the car. I had the only key so I knew she couldn’t come get me. So I figured I would go back to the last spot where I had a fix on my car and was going straight for it. So I went back into the woods to find that spot. Was hoping I could cut through the woods and head straight for the car. But when I get there the direction I needed to go has real thick underbrush. I know I have about ¾ of a mile to go and I’m too tired to go bushwhacking anymore so I turned around AGAIN. When I get back to where I had left my wife I was so dehydrated all my muscles start cramping up. I had done all this back and fourth without any water. So I walked up to a house and knocked on the door and this guy saves me. He gave me couple bottles of cold water and a ride to my car. Bless you sir. When I get to my car I see my wife on her phone talking to her daughter. My incredible Geowife had Googled her location on her iPhone after I’d left and figured out that the car was about a ½ mile back up this other road in the another direction. Sorry Honey, I promise not to loose you again out in the middle nowhere. She had gone to the car figuring I would show up. I had the only key so she waited by the car and sent dozens of messages to my phone which was dead.
Hey we are still alive and we have a great story to tell the grand kids. Thank-you so much for the great patches and for the great cache. It was well worth the 10 ½ hours we went through. We left some swag and signed the log.

12 of 12 - September 2009

Basic Idea: 12 pictures from your life on the 12th of every month. This mon't, the 12th was on a Saturday.

9:35am - Kidz Live had Super Hero night from 7pm-Midnight the night before. I was getting everything ready for the chair crew to help me reset the chairs in the sanctuary.


9:46am - Laying out the tape measures to know where to reset sanctuary chairs.


10:34am - Here's the chair crew in action. Thanks to Terry, Jesse and David for your help!


11:07am - Amanda having a late (and ever-so-healthy) breakfast. She was up late for Super Hero night the night before.


11:14am - My sermon notes and Power Point for my sermon the next day "How To Be a Disciple Who Doesn't Turn Back" taken from John 6.


12:04pm - Amanda and Daddy ran a few errands.


12:12pm - While running errands, we had to stop by Amanda's favorite restaurant.


12:42pm - We stopped by Kroger for a few necessities. (We were supposed to buy stuff for lunch but we had to pass McDonalds on the way, so we just bought groceries for dinner!)


5:40pm - We LOVE our teachers at ECIA this year and are thankful for a better academic focus this year, but man, we're getting slammed with homework. Who likes weekend homework?


6:23pm - After working on homework and a sermon most of the day, Amanda and Daddy needed a Wii break!


6:43pm - It was raining outside and not very inviting for grilling...so we grilled inside.


6:46pm - Weather radar. It rained ALL weekend!

Simply Amazing

Southerners Are So Polite!

Atlanta Air Traffic Control (ATC): "Tower to Saudi Air 911 - You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. Allah be praised.

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 712 - You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. Allah is great.

Pause . . .

Static . . .

Saudi Air: "ATLANTA ATC!! ATLANTA ATC!!"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OF OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. PLEASE ADVISE!"

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your little hearts, and praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now; and tell Allah 'hey' for us!"

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I'm entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

"First Place!," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

So Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"Oh, What happened?" they asked.

"Who is Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.

Relativism...Explained

12 of 12 - August 2009

The Basic Idea: 12 pictures of your life on the 12th of each month. I decided to try and use my cell phone this month. Although I LOVE my new smartphone which I received for Father's Day, I have not been real impressed with the pictures it takes. I was happy today when I imported my pictures into Google's Picasa 3 as it cleaned up the pictures VERY nicely. I was not so happy when I found out that I accidentally changed the picture settings on my phone to very tiny 320x240 pictures! Oh well, here's my small pictures from August.

01 - Starting the morning off right. Those eggs are almost pretty enough to be in a picture.

02 - Luck me...August 12 Tarrant Country jury duty. I was fortunate as the trial I was assigned to got dismissed as soon as the jury was assigned. Went to pick up my $6 and was outa there by 10:30am.

03 - See the little poles and straps for the lines of people? When we were told to line up, I started down my end. I looked up and saw people coming in from the other end as well. I paused to make sure I was going through the right way when this lady behind me said "Excuse me. Are you walking?" All I could come up with was, "I'm working on it", but I really wanted to reply with the same "kind" tone she was using and say, "Look, lady. I'm not sure what you are in such a hurry for. It's not like we're going to miss standing in line if we don't run to take our place. But if you're in such an all-fire hurry, but all means, go in front of me!" ('I'm working on it' probably sounded more Christ-like, but I don't think I get credit for that based on what went though my mind and what I really wanted to say to the pushy old lady).

04 - Amanda's been doing two math sheets each morning to be all refreshed and ready or the school year. She's working on reducing and improper fractions here.

05 - Every Wednesday I have lunch with my friend, George. It's one of the highlights of my week.

06 - Operation Backpack was this Saturday. I was getting everything ready.

07 - Pastor Philip's dog, Ranger was visiting for the week. Here he is sitting on the couch with Sully.

08 - Ranger's handiwork.

09 - Birthday Dog! It was Boo's 8th birthday.

10 - Although it may look more like a head lock, Brooke was actually loving on Sully trying to help him feel better. He was a bit insecure with Ranger being at the house...he wasn't quite sure where he fell in the pecking order.

11 - Ranger at the dog park playing with a new friend.

12 - Ranger worn out at the end of the day after meeting EVERY SINGLE DOG and trying to wrestle with them at the dog park.

12 of 12 - July 2009

The Basic Idea: 12 pictures of your life on the 12th of each month. Here's my July. We were in Alabama visiting Brooke's family on the way back from the Liberty Family summer conference in Lake Junaluska, NC.

01 - Amanda playing in MawMaw Brenda's closet. It was hot in there, but she didn't seem to notice.

02 - There was a surprise 70th birthday party for Brooke's Dad at the church. Friends and family were there to celebrate with him.

03 - Here's the golf cart that was on the birthday cake...they got it off before I could take a picture.

04 - Dad's surprise birthday party. Here he is next to his sister, Judy and son, Scott, taking the picture.

05 - Brooke and her sister, Jill, serving at the party.

06 - My nephew, David, is now driving.

07 - Amanda with cousins Hannah and David.

08 - Brooke with her Momma. I have always told Brooke if she looks as good as her Momma when she is her Momma's age, I'll always have a good-looking wife.

09 - Me and the wife of my youth!

10 - Showing off the "Bartholomew good looks"! This is Brooke's brother, Scott (who made a surprise visit for Dad's birthday), her Mom, Brenda...and Brooke.

11 - The Bartholomew Clan - Jill (middle child), Scott (oldest), Brenda, Bill and Brooke (only one under 40)

12 - Brooke's sister, Jill, and her fiance, David Bartlett. David proposed to her while we were there (they were married August 15th).

12 of 12 - June 2009

I can't seem to find online who actually started 12 of 12, but the idea is to take pictures on the 12th of every month and then choose 12 to "keep". At the end of the year, you have your year at a glance. Here is my (late to post) June 12 of 12.

8:21am - Advertisement on the wall in the church foyer for VBS which ended on Friday, June 12th.

8:23am - Sanctuary decorations for VBS.

9:24am - Games at VBS morning rally.

9:58am - This is one of the things I do at VBS...head up clean up!

11:46am - Closing rally at VBS

12:02pm - Another one of the things I do at VBS...music and video

12:29pm - Pastor Matt "taking one for the team"

12:29pm - Miss Victoria. Kids who brought the most food for the food pantry drive during week got to throw a cream pie in their teacher's face.

12:33pm - Some of the week's VBS leaders in front of the giant water slide.

5:50pm - Yes, closing day of VBS was also our anniversary. Amanda made us a card.

5:51pm - June 12, 2009. The day we all (finally) switched over to digital TV. We have AT&T U-Verse so we didn't have to do anything different.

6:00pm - Amanda ended up running a fever today so our plans for her to spend the night at a friend's house for our anniversary changed. Instead, we had a "romantic" family dinner of Long John Silver's at home.